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Jesus quotes

Satirical uncylopedia article prints unquotable Jesus quotes:

  • “Eventually, people will realize that I’m deliberately not coming back on dates that someone has predicted I’ll come back, just to get people to stop making all these stupid predictions. So don’t hold your breath, basically.”
  • “Heidegger and I were in this French restaurant one night, and he asks me to produce some poached salmon and a bottle of Chateau Mouton Rothschild for him because he’s skint. So I did, ‘cuz that’s what I do, and you know what that little existentialist dorkwad goes and does? That’s right, he sends it back to the kitchen! Tells the waiter he really ordered Chilean sea bass and a vodka martini! What an asshole!”
  • On god: “It’s my way or no way, pal. Nobody gets to see the Boss except through Me. Got that? Oh, and John, if you decide to write that one down, could you make it sound a little less, I dunno, mobbish?”
  • “It’s not surprising at all that the Beatles were bigger than Me, back in the day. That’s just how it was during the Sixties.”
  • On Hell: “its a good place to party, but i wouldn’t want to live there”
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