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Obnoxious NY UGC: (Future Employers, don’t read this!)

Shit happens”  as described by all the western and eastern philosophical movements.

Rejection letter that rejects the rejecters.

Funny  & Sexy SNL video moments.

2 Classic Charlie Brown Videos: Lucy psychoanalyzes Charlie Brown’s neuroticisms. Fundamental Friend dependability song (good luck getting it out of your brain).

Lele’s Breakfast, a wierd and funky techno song.

You may already know that I am currently seeking work. Therefore, logic dictates that I should hide my facebook profile and watch the things I say on my blog. Oh, heck, I’m going to make this blog post  anyway. Overheard in New York is a site which collects funny,  obnoxious (and obscenity-laced) dialogue of native New Yorkers on public transit or on their way to work. I didn’t write these things, but these little bits are dialogue gems; a fiction writer or playwright could never write these things on their own; they just  have to stumble upon them.  Ok, maybe some of the speakers were trying to be funny. But most of the time this is  the usual sarcasm/joking around that comes up in everyday conversation.

If you’re easily offended, don’t look and instead go to my 2005 collection of American slang.

Click under the fold to see some of the dialogue I particularly enjoyed:

Lost tourist on cell, blocking the crosswalk with her luggage: I’m standing on the corner of 42nd and 3rd.
Passing native: Yeah, and in everyone’s mothafucking way.

Man: I just don’t get it! Just last night you were complaining about how you never try anything new, but you feel like you should.
Woman: Ok, well ordering the roast duck is a little different than a threesome, Tim.

Young woman #1: Guys never want to eat me out.
Middle-aged dad with kids: Hey, we’re trying to eat over here.
Young woman #1: See, even hearing about it freaks them out.
Young man at next table: Maybe I can take a look for you and give you my assessment.
Middle-aged dad with kids: For God’s sake, this is a family restaurant!
Young woman #2: You have a very controversial vagina.

Small child, trying a Sprite: I don’t like it.
Dad: If you don’t like the taste, just spit it out.
Mom: I’ve heard that one before.

Sister #1: You know what Auntie Cathy* said last week? She said that, back in the 40’s, Aunt Mary* was a huge slut! She said, and I quote, "She had the clap so many times it amounted to applause."
Sister #2: And I thought the only hobby she ever had was crocheting those ugly stuffed animals.

Guy: I was seeing her for a while, but it just wasn’t working out. I guess I’m not over Jessica.
Girl: What?
Guy: What do you mean, what?
Girl: I thought you were gay.
Guy: Oh, because I’m a hairdresser. How original. Just because I’m a hairdresser you think I’m gay.
Girl: No. I thought you were gay because when I stayed at your house four years ago I woke up and saw you fucking Matt in the ass!
Guy: Oh my God. Matt and I have never talked about that night.

Tourist kid: Mom, am I fat?
Tourist mom: Yes. Now get in the airplane.
Tourist kid: Dad says I’m husky.
Tourist mom: That means fat.

Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day…Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn’t know him at all…This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They’re the same ages as–Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can’t even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I’m getting it in blue.

Overweight hobo: The only things I look forward to in life are mayonnaise and sex!

Man to female date: So, basically, you sleep with people out of hilarity?

–St Mark’s & 2nd

Overheard by: Diane

Mother: Don’t you ever do that again! [slaps child hard]
Child, calmly: Well, are you happy with yourself?

Suit on cell: If he doesn’t get me the fucking money, I’ll kill that bitch!
Hobo: How about you give me some money, and I’ll kill that bitch?

Male student #1: Your sister has the best tasting punani in New York.
Male student #2: I’ll pay for lunch if you promise not to say that again.

Cop, taking report of stolen car: Ok, what was the color, make and model?
Metro Guy: It’s cranberry and…
Cop: Cranberry’s something you eat, son, your car was red.

Coworker #1: So what’ve you been up to?
Coworker #2: The usual. Just whacked off.
Coworker #1: Dude, you’re on speakerphone.

Man outside stall to presumed child: Okay champ, have you done your business in there?
Very deep voice from stall: Still working on it, thanks!

Father: And since I’ve started smoking cigars in the basement, you can smoke pot down there without your mom knowing.
Daughter: Wait, seriously?
Father: Yeah, just don’t tell your brother. He already thinks you’re the favorite.

Friend #1: My friend told me that in Wisconsin they deep-fry cheese curds.
Friend #2: What’s "cheese curds"?
Friend #3: Kurds are a perennially oppressed ethnic minority group found in parts of Iran, Iraq, and Turkey.

Hobo: Any change? Anything you got to give?
Suit: I wish I had something to give, but pretty soon, I’m going to be like you.
Hobo: My man, you cannot be this awesome.

Train conductor on PA: The last car is the quiet car. No cell phones or loud conversations please. If you need to have a conversation, please do so silently.

Waiter: Yeah, that’s just because you’re obsessed with me.
Bartender, sarcastically: Oh, yeah, right–I’m totally obsessed with you. I went to your Facebook page and downloaded all the pictures of you on there and printed them out and put them up on my wall so I could have a collage.
Waiter: That was oddly specific.

Conductor: Next stop, 81st Street, Museum of Natural History.
Mom to young son: Okay, sweetie, this is our stop for the museum.
Six-year-old boy: But mom, I wanna go to Central Park instead!
Hobo: Listen to your mother, boy! Go the museum. Git yerself some edjumicate… Edjcation…go learn something!
Six-year-old boy: Mommy, what did he say?
Mom: He said, "don’t be fucking stupid." Let’s go.

–C Train

Teenage kid: How long have you been waiting for the bus?
Old lady: Since I was your age.

Hippie, sarcastically to suit in ’72 Cadillac convertible: Nice car. Where’s the rest of The Sopranos?
Suit driving away, deadpan, without missing a beat: In the fucking trunk.

Little girl in stall with her mother: Are you going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren’t going to go?
Mother: No.
Little girl: You aren’t going to go?
Mother: No, I don’t have to go.
Little girl: But you said you had to go!
Mother: I changed my mind.
Little girl: That’s not something you can change your mind about!

Guy #1: See, I was in a diner the other day, I ordered some food and, yeah, I kinda noticed that the waitress was hot. Once I’d got my food and gone outside, I saw they hadn’t given me my hash brown. So I went back in thinking, you know, I could get my hash brown and ask the waitress for her number or something. But when I got back the waitress was like "I ate your hash brown."
Guy #2: She ate your hash brown?
Guy #1: She ate my hash brown!

Thug to female friend: Damn, I ain’t never gonna have my house stop smelling like pussy.
Spanish passerby, in Spanish: I hope he is talking about his cats.

Rich brunette: Like, I was just in Europe and it’s all the same. Like, Paris and London are exactly the same as New York, there’s no difference!
Blonde: But they speak French in Paris, though.
Rich brunette: But they even have Starbucks there too!

Black guy to Asian girl passerby: Excuse me, I don’t want to be rude, but I’ve always wanted to have sex with an oriental chick. So…can we get a room or something?
Asian girl: Uhm…it’s "Asian," not "oriental," ‘k? (she walks off)

Asian guy: So you really love chicken, huh?
Big white guy: Actually no, its not really healthy to eat a lot of meat.
Asian guy (looking confused): But you eat all those crazy amounts of skittles in your desk, right?
Big white guy: Yeah, but I don’t have any cavities. I mean, I had some and got them filled, but I don’t have any cavities right now.

Radiology nurse: I have been asked out before. But never while giving a barium enema!

Older doctor to younger doctor in a group: You actually tried to get a dermatology consultant to come in the middle of the night? That was pretty dumb. You know those guys wouldn’t get out of their Shea butter body wraps unless the world was ending.

Homeless man directing traffic in middle of street: I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car! I killed 20,000 people, I ain’t afraid of no car!

–Jerry Orbach St

Gangster walking in front of Range Rover: Fuck it, if I’ma getting hit by a car, I’ma getting hit by a nice car.

–Broadway & Houston

Announcer on bus (waiting for someone to request a stop): Come on, my line’s open. Someone dial my number. Come on, you know the number! (a passenger requests a stop) There we go! Thanks for calling! I knew you would!

–M16 Bus

20-something chick (smelling pot and laughing): Woo…better cross the street! Wouldn’t want to get high on this second hand smoke!
Middle aged father: Yeah, you’re right…first hand is always better!

Tourist #1: Are we in the airport?
Tourist #2: No.
Tourist #3: It’s the train port.
Tourist #1: Is this a mall?
Tourist #2: No.
Tourist #1: It looks like a mall.
Tourist #2: It’s not a mall.
Tourist #1: It smells like a mall.

Mother to small child in stall (loudly): No, it won’t flush. (shouting) It won’t flush! It’s not like at home. It won’t flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won’t flush! Stop! It’s not going to flush unless you touch it. (shouting) It won’t flush! Don’t make me make you go in your pants! It won’t flush! They’re not the same.

Lady #1: Girl, it was the best salad I ever *had*! Baby, it was better than sex! All I gotta do is eat this salad and masturbate and I’m good to go!
Lady #2: I thought it was okay, but it wasn’t better than sex.
Lady #1: That’s ’cause you smoke too much and you burnt off all your taste buds. You taste things based on memory.

Irate little girl (pointing at Nathan’s): Daddy, you lied to me! That’s not a hot dog stand, that’s a hot dog building!

–Coney Island Boardwalk

World Music connoisseur #1: I think he’s singing in Brazilian now.
World Music connoisseur #2: No, no…this song’s in Argentinian.

Young woman, after vomiting all over the train: I’m fine.
Young man: You’re not fine, you just threw up!
Young woman: Well, I’m fine now.

Concerned girl crossing street: But the light says "Don’t walk"!
Amused friend: Right…so we run!

Mom to six-year old son on cell: Come on, Christopher, let’s go.
Six-year old son: What! I’m on the phone!

Server: Would you ladies like iced water or bottled water?
20-something girl: Do we have to pay for bottled water?
Server: Um, yes.
20-something girl: Oh, then no. I’ll just have a beer.

Customer holding $300 worth of lighting equipment: You know, if you want to give me a discount that would be totally fine with me.
Only non-hasidic employee in sight: Sorry sir, its not my store…I don’t even have the right haircut.

–BH Photo

Arab bodega worker to white kid trying to buy 40s: How old are you?
White kid: 21
Black dude with dreads: Yo, you better make sure of that, you don’t want to lose your liquor license. If you lose it, then I’m gonna have to walk a whole ‘nother block to get beer.

–Harlem

Conductor: Stand clear of the doors. You are delaying service. (pause, then impatiently) Stand clear of the doors! You are delaying service! (pause) I will come back there and stab you if you do not get out of the doorway.

–Uptown 1 Train

Hot dog vendor: To go?

–Hot Dog Stand, 62nd & 3rd

NYU chick to friend: I love coke! (passing white lady gives her a strange look) I meant the drink, not the drug, lady! Jeez, I’m a minority student at fucking NYU! You think I can afford a coke habit??

–8th & University

Gay NYU student, rolling around on the ground in student lounge: I am obsessed with the ground. I mean, who’s going to judge me? There’s like six million Asians here and none of them are gay.

Woman in line with friend at Duane Reade, reading can of energy drink: Wait. There’s carbs in here? Like bread carbs? Carbs are bread, right? Cause when people go on, like, a low carb diet, they don’t eat any bread, right? But I still don’t understand why there’s bread in here. Whatever. It doesn’t even taste like bread.

Guy #1: So in that movie Cloverfield I heard it was a monster.
Guy #2: Yeah, all the blogs say it’s a monster. That would be totally funny if it was Britney Spears.

Little boy in glasses: Excuse me! Do you have big titties?
20-something blonde: What? You shouldn’t say stuff like that!
Hobo: Don’t you be talkin to ladies like that! She’s old enough to be your mama!

Crazy Italian man to cashier: Fucking asshole! Where’s my fucking money, fucking asshole?! You owe me money! She’s German!
Cashier: Who?
Crazy Italian man: The German whore owes me $10,000! You’ll be finding her body in the basement! That whore better watch out! I’m Italian and I know mafiosi from here to Beverly Hills! …I’ll have a coffee to go…

Drunk redhead: What’s your name again?
Not-so-drunk brunette: It’s Autumn.
Drunk redhead: You mean like the month?

Toddler at bus stop, throwing a fit: No! I don’t want to get on the bus!
Bus driver: Come on! The bus is a fun place!
Nearby passenger: Yeah, I love the bus! Why don’t you join us?
Boy’s mother: Get your ass on the fucking bus.

New wave boy: You’re like Lou Reed with a vagina.
New wave girl: Since when did he not have one?
Random stoner friend: Hey, do you want to get Indian food!?
New wave girl: What would Lou Reed do?

Girl #1: A fawn is an animal? I was just guessing.
Girl #2: Yeah, it’s a small deer, like Bambi.
Girl #1: Bambi was a fawn?! I thought he was a cantaloupe!
Girl #2: You mean an "antelope"!

NYU student to mother: You can’t really get a good dinner in this town for under ten dollars…well, you can…but you’ll just poop it out later.

Hot hipster girl #1: Oh my god, that’s a beautiful Buddhist temple!
Hot hipster girl #2: Umm no, that’s a Chinese restaurant…
Hot hipster girl #1: Oh well, then it must be really authentic.

Brunette: That Secret Service guy was really rude!
Redhead: I know, and he wasn’t in uniform, how does he expect us to know!
Brunette: Yeah, I want to complain. He shouldn’t be out here without his uniform.

Comedy club barker: Hey! You guys want to see a comedy show? Yeah, you do!
Guy: I’m sorry, man, I don’t speak a word of English. Thanks, though.
Comedy club barker: Haha, I like that! Come see some comedy?
Guy, walking away: All I’m hearing is pops and clicks. Sorry.

Coked-out girl: Your friend is hot. Is she gay?
Drunk girl: I don’t know. Are you gay?
Coked-out girl: I like the way Shakira puts it. (singing) "Whenever, wherever, we’re meant to be together."
(later on)
Coked-out girl: Are you as straight as the day is long?
Drunk girl: Um, it depends…how long is the day?
Coked-out girl: Fourteen hours.

Grandpa: Do we really have to take them to the fucking zoo?
Grandma (holding a pamphlet about the zoo): Look, this is the stupid shit that they’re into, so this is where we gotta go.
Grandpa (pointing to a picture in the pamphlet): What the fuck is that? A chipmunk?
Grandma: It’s a fucking rabbit!

Snobby woman to teenage girls talking: Decrescendo, girls. Do you know what that means? It’s an operatic term for "lower your voices."
Teenage girl: Actually, "decrescendo" is a musical term for "get softer," and when you say get lower, you’re actually referring to pitch, not volume.

–Metropolitan Opera Lobby

Hipster guy: He’s 65?
Hipster girl: I think so, yes, he’s a photographer.
Hipster guy: I just don’t understand what the attraction is.
Hipster girl: Well, it’s not like I want to have some Hollywood romance, I just want to go over to his apartment and like eat a sandwich and play with his dog.

Automated announcer: The next stop is 59th Street.
(people flee the train)
Conductor: The next stop on this train will be 14th Street, Union Square. Not 59th Street. …you people take this train every day. You should know better than that, now come on!

20-something grad student #1: You can’t sleep with her! Dude, she’s in high school!
20-something grad student #2: Dude, she’s 18!
20-something grad student #1: Dude…oh…well… Carry on!

Little boy: Noooo! You didn’t die, I died!
Little girl: Argghhh! The crocodiles are coming!

Teen girl: Oh, I love your nose! What nationality are you?
Middle aged man: Pardon?
Teen girl: I mean, where were you born?
Middle aged man: USA.
Teen girl: What?
Middle aged man: The United States.
Teen girl: (looks confused)
Middle aged man: …of America?

Gap employee #1: What’s your major again?
Gap employee #2: French studies.
Gap employee #1: Oh yeah, you’re all into London and shit, right?

Hungover girl to friend: I can’t eat this pizza, it tastes like vagina.
Friend: I wish my vagina tasted like pizza.

–Artichoke Pizza, 14th St

NYU guy: I was totally into Obama until we met Sarah Palin and now she has made me all Republican for her milfiness.
Friend: You know you don’t get to fuck her just because you vote for her?
NYU guy: But I can only hope for my brothers in DC. You know like some Bill Clinton intern shit up in the White House, but this time with a hot mother instead of cigars and shit.

Girl to female friend: Hey, did you know today is the three-year anniversary of my boobs?

–Union Square

Blonde: Oh my god! Look, they have a calendar counting down until Bush’s inauguration.
Brunette: What’s "inauguration"?
Blonde: The day he leaves office.

Teen fan #1 (in line to see Cobra Starship): It’s freezing! When are they going to let us in?
Teen fan #2: I know, right? I’m going to get leukemia it’s so cold!

Teenage girl: What stop do we get off at again?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: What?
Mom: Brick Church.
Teenage girl: Brick?
Mom: Yes, as in "I want to throw a brick at you."

–Penn Station

Woman looking for friend who got lost in massive crowd: Marco! Marco!
Massive crowd of people: Polo!

–Times Square

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