Idiotprogrammer Blog

Category: observations

  • I should know better

    Every time I watch a British historical costume drama, I tell myself that surely there has to be at least one example from  the genre which  is not a dreadful bore.

    Nope.

    Out of boredom, I started watching Dr. Who (2005 version). I found it a silly escapist time-waster, but at least it didn’t pretend to be anything else.  (Coincidentally, I just watched an episode written by Stephen Moffat who was the main writer for Coupling, the hilarious BBC sex romp).

    Now that more and more Criterion films are coming onto Netflix, I have no excuse not to be watching great cinema. But there are days when you watch crap precisely because it is crap.

    Only 20 more hours until the next Lost episode. 20 more hours. What will I do in the meantime?

  • And now this …. (what!?!)

    I just watched a Superbowl commercial on hulu which was introduced by a TV commercial for Coca Cola.  That’s what it has come down to:  even the TV commercials now have TV commercials.

    This blog post is about a blogpost about itself.

  • Pens in Bed (the benefits of unloading your daily cogitations)

    Last night while in bed I thought of a good idea for a blogging topic. I mentally composed the blogpost but never actually wrote anything down. I remember thinking, “what if I forgot this idea when I awoke the next morning?” My answer was a curious rationalization at the time: I told myself that despite the risk of forgetting the topic,  I would eventually remember it – maybe not immediately. Also (I told myself that night) the topic wasn’t   brilliant or of earth-shattering importance, so I decided to risk it and do nothing. I fell asleep.

    The next morning. Of course I have no idea what this blogging topic was. But I remember thinking that night was the idea for the blog post was interesting.  A clever reader might assume that this meta-post about my idea  was in fact the topic itself – but no, I assure you that the topic I came up with was genuine and meaty (albeit a little frivolous).

    I feel pretty sure that the idea was not particularly important, so I am not worried. And if I concluded yesterday that the idea would eventually come to me,  I’m sure it will. (And by the way, I’ll link to what the topic actually was – so you can see for yourself whether the loss of this blogging idea was notable or not).

    The funny thing is, I usually am diligent about recording ideas in bed.  When I do creative writing, I take frequent naps in order to get away from the computer and recuperate my energy. Right before dozing off, I will often play with phrases or ideas in my head and   groggily write a few phrases down on a piece of paper to jar my memory the next morning. My handwriting is awful, but that does not matter; usually all I need is to recognize a phrase or two, and the original idea will jump back into my brain. When writing fiction, you are constantly playing around with words to get the right phrase; sometimes the effort seems futile, and when I am in bed, I continue to do it; for me it is like counting sheep.  There have been times when I’ve leapt out of bed to type the paragraph, but more often than not, I go to asleep, content with the knowledge that a good idea has been recorded and will eventually make it to the permanent record. Occasionally, I ignore what I wrote down or end up not using it, but I’m still glad I did it; you have to have a way to keep a permanent record of your cogitations.

    Last week I talked to a good friend who had experienced a personal tragedy. An old boyfriend had died from a freak accident; she felt all kinds of guilt for not seeing him more or appreciating him. She took his heart for granted  and now she wished she could have treated him better. The truth was my friend had a big heart, and what she perceived as insensitive probably was not as bad as she described. But she was in a kind of agony – and it was the middle of the night; she could not sleep.  I tried to help her; I was older and more emotionally mature (in a way), but at the same time I had never experienced such a shocking loss before. My friend could not get the loss out of her mind; I imagine I would be the same way in a similar situation.

    One consoling thought I gave her was that every morning when you awoke you forget everything —sadness, joys, anxiety and even chocolate – when you gradually remember everything, it is a little surprising, but the feeling is not too immediate or gripping. If I were an axe-murderer or rape victim, it is certainly possible that I would awake the next morning with no memory of what had happened until the traumatic memory returned with a bang. It might even be possible to have a shower or drink the morning’s first coffee before the mind reacquaints itself  with the burdens of memory. Every morning is full of optimism – an antidote to the previous night’s despair. (I don’t typically have nocturnal despairs, but anything seems less scary the next morning).  At night, the problems of the world can seem so overwhelming; in the morning one can approach them with composure.

    My friend will revisit the sadness of her ex-boyfriend’s loss many times.  I know it will continue to hurt and shock her every time she remembers it.  But at least sleep will provide a temporary reprieve. Sleep is necessary and restorative of course. Psychological research shows that sleep aids in the formation of long term memory. On the other hand sleep provides a way for the mind to unburden itself – if only temporarily – from the daily travails. Sometimes late at night you can get caught up in all kinds of crazy emotions; sometimes a rebooting is the answer.

    But having the pen at your side all the time provides the best comfort of all.

    Update: I remembered what the blogging idea was midway through this essay (which I blogged about here).  How trivial it was!

  • Living without Eating or Drinking

    I think I’ve already mentioned that America’s foremost movie critic has now become one of its foremost blogger.  Roger Ebert has lost the ability to speak (thus ending his TV appearance), but he also has lost his ability to use his mouth to eat and drink. (Apparently he is still able to be fed in some other unnamed way).

    So that’s what’s sad about not eating. The loss of dining, not the loss of food. It may be personal, but for, unless I’m alone, it doesn’t involve dinner if it doesn’t involve talking. The food and drink I can do without easily. The jokes, gossip, laughs, arguments and shared memories I miss. Sentences beginning with the words, "Remember that time?" I ran in crowds where anyone was likely to break out in a poetry recitation at any time. Me too. But not me anymore. So yes, it’s sad. Maybe that’s why I enjoy this blog. You don’t realize it, but we’re at dinner right now.

    See also Helen Keller’s essay Three Days to See and my essay The Seeing See Little .

  • Smarter than you: The Nagle Crackpot Theory

    I’ve always found the Dunning-Kruger effect to be an interesting phenomenon (so is the related Downing effect). Gosh, now that I know about these things, that must make me brilliant!

    See also:  the wikipedia article on cranks. If you are still unsure, try the crackpot index . My fave: you receive 20 points for naming your crackpot theory after yourself. Also: 10 points for arguing that a current well-established theory is "only a theory", as if this were somehow a point against it. Also, significantly: 50 points for claiming you have a revolutionary theory but giving no concrete testable predictions.

    With respect to climate problem, my problem is with naysayers who criticize the “theory” of  climate change without making a plausible prediction about the future. From a rhetorical standpoint, it is nearly impossible to respond to the naysayers who say, “it’s only a theory.” A future post will be dedicated to how to respond effectively to that. 

  • Google, you are way too fast (or way too nosy!)

    In my last post I requested help for how to prepare my apartment for a new dog. Kind of weird, but that’s the sort of thing you find on this blog. Less than 2 minutes later, I decide to google the words “dogproof” and “computer geek” (in the vain hope that another computer geek has written about the exact same problem). Amazingly, the number one search result on google was the article I just posted. How is that possible? Does google already know what I am about to post before I actually do it?

  • Scary Information – Should I be posting this?

    Some psychologists have figured out that women have more orgasms with wealthier men.

    For female readers of this blog, my net worth at the moment is $1.4 billion.

    I wonder: does sexual excitability result from the perception that a male partner is wealthy or  from the prolonged  enjoyment of an affluent lifestyle?

    An affluent person might be in a  better position to appreciate metropolitan opera, but that does not make this person more musical, nor does it make a poor person incapable  of singing an aria from  La Traviata.

    I certainly will not begrudge a woman’s efforts to find the most sexually compatible partner.  But identifying this biological trigger seems to explain why so many people prize material wealth for its own sake and why those who don’t do this are generally ignored.

    2012 Postscript When I wrote this piece my net worth was peanuts; I was seriously underemployed and swimming in poverty. (Things are much better now).  I just wanted to point out that a blogger may have deeper motives for blogging about something than it may seem.  Sometimes abject poverty provides a good perspective for writing about certain things and pointing out  the inequities of the world. The freedom to speak about these things on this blog arises from the certainty that whatever I write will generally be overlooked. And if my future wife is reading this, the wealthy man you know and the poor man who is blogging here are one and the same….

  • Random Secrets

    From Postsecrets.

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    (more…)

  • God and Ham Sandiwiches

    From a NYT discussion of God (which I didn’t read very closely).

    Premise  1. Nothing is better than world peace.
    Premise. 2. A ham sandwich is better than nothing.

    Conclusion.  A ham sandwich is better than world peace.

  • You make a mistake when you when say, “make no mistake”

    Timothy Noah on the annoying phrase which politicians seem to overuse:

    I do not count myself among those who hate President Bush. But I do hate the expression, “make no mistake.” It’s a bully-boy phrase, meant to warn that the speaker really means what he is saying. But shouldn’t we always mean what we say—or, if we’re politicians, at least pretend to? Even if you buy into the phrase’s swagger, it isn’t half so creative as “read my lips,” which speechwriter Peggy Noonan put into George H.W. Bush’s mouth when he promised not to raise taxes. (“Read my lips” had to be retired after Bush père broke that promise in 1990, but that’s hardly Noonan’s fault.) “Read my lips” is funny—unless, of course, it’s spoken to a deaf person—and swagger always comes across better when it’s leavened with humor. “Make no mistake,” on the other hand, are the words not merely of a bully, but of a bully who lacks panache. It practically begs for a defiant response. Listen, buddy, I’ll make a mistake whenever I goddamn well feel like it. And, of course, it’s especially galling coming from Bush, whose presidency has been one long string of mistakes, most especially the one we’re currently grappling with in Iraq.

    Robert’s Recommended alternative: If you are tempted to start a sentence with the phrase “make no mistake,” instead of doing that, simply unbutton your shirt,  pound your chest and start yelling aggressively. That technique is much more effective at conveying emphasis.

    When George B. Bush uses such a phrase, I can explain it away by pointing to his general verbal idiocy. But Obama – aren’t his patrician speeches a model of American rhetoric? Do politicians slip  to such barbarous language when they tire at the end of the day?

    To those who say. Politicians shouldn’t be simplifying the argument of the opposition. Generally, Obama does not do this. But lately I’ve noticed the insidious phrase “To those who say” being slipped into his political speeches more often. Who are those people? What are you saying? Why should we accept your version of what they say? Why do we care about those people who say them? Can we just talk about the argument itself (and leave aside the anonymous demons who are always serving as straw men for weak-minded politicians)?

    See also: Nonsequitur’s posts about Straw Men.

    Complaint: When I decided to write a separate post about “make no mistake,” I first googled the phrase to see if anybody  did it already. Timothy Noah beat me by a few years (darn it). Google breeds intellectual laziness and a sort of humility. I half-expected to find an internet domain www.makenomistake.com consisting of one  rhetorician’s tireless (and monomaniacal) effort to  rid the earth of this pesky phrase. It always is reassuring to realize after googling  that  no one has come anywhere close to uttering the thought you intended to blog about (in English at least).   It is as though you have accidentally unearthed a rare artifact from a different eon. Perhaps I am merely restating  Kakheperresenb’s Complaint ; I prefer to think of it as knowing what not to waste valuable writing time on.  (I can guarantee that the world  has enough half-informed commentary about global warming/Obama/anti-DRM rants/Scorcese for me to need to do it.

    July 20 Update: In an interview with Jim Lehrer, Obama said “make no bones about it,” indicating that he is probably aware that “making no mistake” is a stale and empty phrase. To use a Bush41 expression, my gut tells me that presidents should not be making  pronouncements about domestic bone production.

    December 2020 Update. I’ve always been bothered by Trump’s verbal tic “the likes of which the world has never been seen.” Aha, looks like quora had already dissected this tic. Says one commentator (Aart Knight),”He uses them daily in a relentless attempt to persuade gullible and low-information Americans that he is breaking records after records and is able to accomplish things that no other President could pull off.”

    August 2021 Nagle’s Law of Political Rhetoric: Whenever a politician uses the word “strongly” in a speech, you should always substitute that with the word “stupidly” to capture the exact same meaning.

  • Wikipedia Follies (Part 29)

    It probably comes as no surprise, but the fact that Wikipedia has an article about the musical career of William Shatner but not an article about one of America’s most talented authors underscores the project’s inherent inability to value cultural objects.

    See also: my takedown of Wiki-deletionists.

  • Charles Dickens on Email (1856)

    Charles Dickens on electronic communication:

    O, what a thing it is, in a time of danger and in the presence of death, the shining of a face upon a face! I have heard it broached that orders should be given in great new ships by electric telegraph. I admire machinery as much is any man, and am as thankful to it as any man can be for what it does for us. But it will never be a substitute for the face of a man, with his soul in it, encouraging another man to be brave and true. Never try it for that. It will break down like a straw.

    (“The Wreck of the Golden Mary, 1856).

  • Embarrassments of Obscurity (Part 23)

    I usually never let it get under my skin when I hear that some young hotshot has published a book or some celebrity has gotten invited onto a talk show to tout a book.  I don’t let it get to me because I convince myself that people like Bret Easton Ellis peak early and never are heard from again. At the same time,  it’s hard to explain to nonliterary people that because  commercial success offers  more financial support for future projects, these pseudo-authors appear to be massively more productive than writers like myself.

    While cleaning up my apartment, I was half-listening to a talk show where  a 23 year old actress/fashion star is bubbling with cute anecdotes and humor about general Hollywood stuff. Right before the show went to commercial, the talk show host plugged the woman’s new book. Ok, I could live with that. Star of a hit MTV show, ghost written book…these things happen. Then the host mentions casually that the woman had signed a 3 book deal with Harper Collins. A 3 book deal! Holy shmike! Do the two of us inhabit the same cultural universe?

    Naturally it would be easy to poke fun at Lauren Conrad’s book. But look. At the age of 22 (when she must have finished the rough draft), I was still a fledgling writer and probably couldn’t write a decent novel if my life depended on it. And this girl published a substantial novel (of 380 pages). Granted,  it was probably flabby and needed a lot of editorial massaging. But still it was a novel…and certainly not ghost written (as I had previously thought). She must have worked hard on it – even if she wasn’t well schooled in American literature or Shakespeare. The book has been out  for two days and already has received reviews (sort of) from People magazine and US Magazine . It helps of course that she’s been on the cover of Cosmopolitan and Seventeen and Entertainment Weekly and that she has 309,781 Myspace friends.  Of course, I’m jealous, but it’s more than that. Everyone is running a different race; everyone has  a different motive for writing and  brings a different set of talents and challenges to the table.  Lauren is basing her novel on her Hollywood life adventure. Even though that is an easy and obvious subject, there is certainly no shame in writing about  what you know. I have no idea what this TV show The Hills is about, but I’m sure the experience must have given her a sense of how to make a story and how to grab a viewer’s interest. Perhaps this kind of experience  sounds cheesy, but it’s  invaluable to have access to so much feedback from fans.

    At the age of 22, I had started a small literary magazine at my college and had gotten accepted into a graduate creative writing program. At the time, I thought my writing was outstanding (only to learn in grad school that this was not the case). I thought writing was everything (and I still do). Especially now, I think that writing is all I have – maybe the only thing I have.

    It would be nice to say that I am the “true writer,” but who am I to say?  The ability to write a good novel depends a little on god-given talent, but mainly on  perseverance and drive (and financial support). My prediction  is that she will fulfill her 3 book contract admirably (with the requisite decline in sales for each additional volume) but  later  focus on TV projects. For her a book is  a calling card for  TV interviews  between  TV gigs; I doubt it will make her enough money by itself, and that ultimately is why she will probably abandon the role of novelist.  On the other hand, think of the opportunity! If she wanted, she could use the time and money to perfect the  writer’s craft, maybe even to write scripts and screenplays.  Even if she ends up wasting this opportunity, it is still reassuring to know that such opportunities  exist (for those lucky to be caught in the right time and place). I wonder: should the writer devote himself to the craft of writing or to promoting past or future projects?  Fortunately for Ms. Conrad, her telegenic presence makes it easier to gain attention and visibility in a crowded media ecosystem. By now,  promoting creative projects (which actually  is an important skill to have) must seem like second nature to her.

    Young women have a builtin advantage of being able to attract public attention (and even adoration).  Let’s not dwell on the inequities; instead let’s focus on how people harness this  advantage to  pursue their personal dreams.  Conrad’s secret dream might actually be to become  the next Edith Wharton or Jane Austen… using MTV as a  stepping stone towards becoming a tenured academic in an MFA program.   I know;  this suggestion sounds  ludicrous, but if I  were in Ms. Conrad’s shoes,  I would certainly  have used my  celebritydom to pursue my dreams.

    Receiving extra attention used to happen only to females, but the Internet makes it easy for some young males to do something to attract a lot of attention. If a baseball star or CEO of Twitter wants to write a sci fi novel, by all means let them. Maybe something good will come of it.

    The real question: how much time and energy  should artsy types spend on self-promotion? Let’s say you’re fat and old and ugly; what do you do? Cultivate a charming persona?  Try even harder to promote yourself at book fairs?  Curry favor with literary bloggers in the hope of receiving positive coverage?  For the celebrity or athlete, fame already happened – writing a book was simply a way to capitalize on it. So they didn’t have to work really hard to acquire it. The unknown author has to work twice as hard to achieve 1/10 of the fame of these celebrity authors; why bother? Yes, there is a difference between avoiding the limelight and living like a hermit; some authors cultivate this isolation as a good in and of itself, but that is just silly.

    Many respectable authors spend time writing how-to pieces or rants about the publishing industry or copyright reform or political issues.  They are simply using pet issues as a way to get their name out there; no shame in that. Over the last few years I’ve written many a piece for TeleRead. I enjoy writing these pieces, but every time I finish one, I decide it’s a total waste of my writing time and energy. Even now, as I conclude this blogpost, I think,  I should be writing Story X; why am I instead blowing my energy on this blogpost instead? Time is a-wasting.

    I notice that Ms. Conrad’s book tour brings her to Houston on June 26. Amazingly, the bookstore where she will be speaking is only a few miles from my house. I could ride my bike there. I’m not inclined to attend, but I will extend an open invitation: if during her brief visit to Houston, Ms. Conrad wishes to meet at some cafe to discuss the craft of writing, I would consider it (she would have to contact me by  emailing me).   Ms. Conrad  could  tell me what she has learned about storytelling, and I could tell her what I’ve learned.  It would be fun and instructive. The old can teach the young, and the young can teach  the old.  The well-known can teach the unknown many things (and vice-versa).  A decent writer can learn something useful from everybody.

    If Ms. Conrad has other things to do with her time, I certainly will understand.  But I will leave June 26 open on my calendar.

    July 13 Update: Regrettably, this meeting never occurred.

    November 26, 2019 Update. As predicted, Ms. Conrad’s career has veered away from books and more toward motherhood. According to Wikipedia, she had two children in 2017 and 2019, so that’s probably keeping her busy. In 2017 she launched her own affordable swimwear brand. I’m not mocking her. If I had a chance to market my own swimwear, I would probably jump (dive?) at it. It occurred to me; I wrote a film script a few years ago about a teen actress on the run — maybe it was indirectly inspired by this blogpost … or perhaps the Amanda Bynes’ news reports? That said, Conrad is actively blogging on her website and doing all kinds of other social media things. We are both trying to promote a brand — though mine is more diffuse and more curmudgeonly… (When I was her age — 33 years old, I was teaching in Ukraine, falling in love with girls who were too young for me and feeling too cocky about my ability to figure out the world).

    November 5, 2021. Although I originally intended to write this as a light reflective piece, as I re-read, what stands out the most about this post was the date on it. At the time, I was struggling financially — and hadn’t been able to find a job — though I was still receiving unemployment insurance. In a few months that would run out too, and the financial hell would continue until Spring, 2011. Occasionally I found some assignments — but it was never enough; I was constantly running out of money, borrowing money, running up the credit card. So while I was amused at Ms. Conrad’s book deals, my ruminations also called attention to the inherent unfairness of the publishing world. Although I never would begrudge Ms. Conrad her success, certainly it hurts that Ms. Conrad was benefitting from a publishing system that had always beaten me down. Also, 2008-2010 were some of my best writing years — I had been writing and revising some incredible stories. 11 years later, these stories still have not been published, although I expect to publish them in the next 2-3 years. Maybe no one will appreciate these stories or read them when they are eventually published, but no matter; they are still great. The person who wrote this blogpost in 2009 had recently realized that he had mastered an art form and felt supremely confident that he could teach it to another. Perhaps I still feel that way — though I am more pessimistic about whether the tricks of writing would impress a population addicted to video games and celebrity gossip.

  • Just to let the world know

    I’m just writing to let the world know that while sitting down before my computer browser and pouring myself a glass of soda, I accidentally poured a cupful into my lap.

    I’ll be posting a lot of cool stuff soon.

  • Unexpected Occurrences

    It is 2:44 AM at night; I am downstairs in my 2 floor apartment catching up on blogs.

    Suddenly, I hear a shuffling noise lasting about 3-5 seconds coming from my stairs. Turns out that a package of toilet paper has decided of its own volition to tumble from an upper step to the bottom of the stairs. No explanation is possible. And no, I am not going crazy.

  • Cable News Obsession

    Bill Hicks on cable news:

    "You ever watch CNN for longer than, say, 20 hours in one day? I gotta cut that out. Watch CNN. It’s the most depressing thing you’ll ever see, man. "WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS, HOMELESS, RECESSION, DEPRESSION, WAR, FAMINE, DEATH, AIDS." Over and over again. Then you look out your window – (crickets chirping) – where’s all this shit going on, man?"

    More videos by Bill Hicks.  I particularly recommend the unaired David Letterman segment which Letterman to his credit showed a few months ago.